To give an example of being reactive and what I mean by it. I was 12 when my parents divorced. I did nothing but tell myself that it was going to be ok and don't remember crying that much. I tried to show my dad I was tough and wise and my mom that I was sensitive. I waited for it to happen and planned how I was going to handle it afterwords. Not that I could have done much, it was deeper then a 12 year old can imagine but its what I did all the same. When I was on staff at the two churches we served at, I was always reactionary. I waited for them to say jump and then I would. I am afraid to be a failure. I am afraid to let those I love down. I am afraid that they will not think that I am wise and strong and sensitive. All things that I deem as noble qualities and ones that a man of God should have. This has in essence tamed my spirit. It has bridled this horse. Even now as I type. I feel I hesitate from typing because who would want to hear, who would want to read? The sex trafficking blog is easy because it is a noble purpose I can be sure of. I don't cause ripples in the water, I wait for the person to throw a rock and point them out, discuss why they did and what will be the results of the rock they threw.
I can see why you and Eve do this! It really helps you to understand yourself. Thank you both.