Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The middle child

Thank you Jenny for your post. I have been thinking this morning about what you said. I have just finished talking to Eve and decided to come out into the morning sunshine and slight breeze. I think it could be entirely possible that pretty much my whole life I have been reactionary. One who reacts to life. A person who waits for life to happen and then reacts to it. I don't know if I am saying it right. There have been some things (this is probably why they are so important to me) that I have been proactive with. I was proactive first with Jesus. I didn't wait for Him to happen to me, I took Him the first chance I had. My childhood was (in light of you and Eve) very good. I had not faced any major problems before I was 16 but something in my spirit said, jump, when he spoke to me. I was proactive with Eve (granted I was a little clueless at first) but when she confessed her love for me I couldn't help but get engaged as fast as I could and made it known to my pastor and his wife that it was going to happen no matter what they said. These are the two things that matter the most to me in the world.

To give an example of being reactive and what I mean by it. I was 12 when my parents divorced. I did nothing but tell myself that it was going to be ok and don't remember crying that much. I tried to show my dad I was tough and wise and my mom that I was sensitive. I waited for it to happen and planned how I was going to handle it afterwords. Not that I could have done much, it was deeper then a 12 year old can imagine but its what I did all the same. When I was on staff at the two churches we served at, I was always reactionary. I waited for them to say jump and then I would. I am afraid to be a failure. I am afraid to let those I love down. I am afraid that they will not think that I am wise and strong and sensitive. All things that I deem as noble qualities and ones that a man of God should have. This has in essence tamed my spirit. It has bridled this horse. Even now as I type. I feel I hesitate from typing because who would want to hear, who would want to read? The sex trafficking blog is easy because it is a noble purpose I can be sure of. I don't cause ripples in the water, I wait for the person to throw a rock and point them out, discuss why they did and what will be the results of the rock they threw.

I can see why you and Eve do this! It really helps you to understand yourself. Thank you both.


  1. My love, you are wise and strong and sensitive. And I hope you keep posting about the trafficking issues as well. There is something truly wonderful about being fully honest and open. It allows God to work through us more and more. It shows others that we too are vulnerable and they most certainly want to know that they are not alone. I love you. I will continue to pray for you in your quest for true healing and restoration. Let the freedom continue!

  2. I think you can help a lot of people too though by writing from your heart. I am sure God wants you to use your voice because that is why he gave it to you. I know I want to read what you have to say and I know Eve does too. We are all wanting to hear you, Adam. I very much look forward to your next post. You are courageous and you showing your courage- that is what helps me to keep going on my own path of healing. Thank you for that.